Just Typing

So I can't sleep (usual story) so I'm just going to update this blog with my late night thoughts.

One rule
-I will not delete anything that I write.  Even if it doesn't flow.

Here we go:

Lately I've been feeling like I'm going down a rabbit hole and I don't know where it's going, or leading to, or the whole point of it, or if it will end anywhere worthwhile.  But I have all of this energy during my "downtime" that I don't know what to do with.

I feel like something inside of me is begging to be discovered and it's a weird feeling.  Like as if something inside of me knows what its doing, but I don't.

It doesn't matter if this makes any sense because I don't know how to put into words what's going on.

I've been a creative person since I was young.  Always in my own little word, which usually got me in trouble with my teachers.  I loved to read, create things, collect things, have pretty things around me.  But I tucked a lot of those qualities about myself away as I got older to start my journey into adulthood and now that I'm a full-force adult I feel the tug of creativity calling me back.

And maybe that's what I need to do.  Let it take control again.  Let it guide me.

Working 50-65 hours a week in a business environment forces you to be analytical, serious, and worst of all-mundane.  I never want to be boring.  I never ever want to become redundant.

I want my world to be covered in color, imagination, sparkles, strength, beauty, femininity, daintiness, whimsical things.  I want my world to be that...my world.

In 2017 I focused a lot on my thrifting and Goodwill fashion finds and I finally nailed my style.  I know who I am clothing-wise and am able to dress like the real me.  And you know what, ever since I started dressing like the real me I've gotten soooooo many compliments on my style.  Not being cocky but I think people can detect the genuinity in the way that I present myself.  They're getting to see the real me.

So in 2018 I'm going to focus on nurturing that creative side of me.  Not tucking it away.  Not hiding it.  But letting it take control of me and lead me to where I need to be.

If you're reading this you probably think that this is a boring entry and that's fine.  I want to remember tonight and I want to remember this time.  I want to remember how I used to be able to find myself when I would journal.  And I've strayed so far from journaling.  I used to have blogs in high school and college and just TYPE whatever came to my mind.  Before internet I had legit journal notebooks where I'd WRITE anything.  And I loved it.  Now journaling is "blogging" which feels like a job.  Like  I have to have "interesting content" or pictures included because no one wants to read the jumble of words you took the time to type.  I'm guilty of that, too.  I don't even read blogs anymore because all I want to see are pictures.

So maybe this will help me tap back into my creativity...  I'll try to journal more.  I'll be as honest as I feel comfortable being on the internet and I know I'll be finding more of myself.  As long as I keep doing what feels right for me then I'll be heading down a good rabbit hole.

I listened to one of Oprah's podcasts and her interviewee said that you know you're on the right track if the mere thought of something EXCITES you.  Like makes your heart race and skin tingle kind of excitement.  And the epiphany that I need to let me creative side come back out absolutely excites me.

So these are my late night thoughts.  If ever I can't sleep again (which is often because I have horrible sleeping patterns) I'm going to journal.  This isn't a "blog" anymore.  It's a journal.

Whatever, it's still a blog.

-CE